I look back over the course of the past two years, and I see nothing but the faithfulness of my God. I was two weeks removed from the most devastating event of my life when I joined the staff of Snowbird Wilderness Outfitters. I left my family mourning the loss of my brother and rerouted my life to the foothills of the Appalachians for the sake of ministry, the Gospel and my soon-to-be husband. I don't know that I realized just how broken I was when I began exhaustively pouring myself out day after day that summer. Student after student, church after church — my language and actions were overflowing with the love of Christ and His goodness.
God is good. God works all things for His glory. But what I didn't understand is how He could possibly work all things together for my good?
My sister-in-law was left without a husband, my 1-year-old niece without a daddy, my parents without their son. We were aching for our brother, nephew, grandson, cousin.
"How is this good?" I questioned.
In the quiet mornings of my time in the Word, I would find myself reassured of God's love for me and His pursuit of His glory in all things. But not once did I think He really meant good things for me.
Throughout that summer our worship band proclaimed:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
... You work all things together for my good. (Jesus Culture)
They repeated it over and over.
You work all things together for my good.
I clinched my fist in rage.
"This is not good," my spirit yelled at the Father. "Nothing about this is good! I know you are good, and I know you love me, but I just can't believe that you work all things together for my good."
I was broken, confused and ashamed. I was like the Psalmist David in Psalm 42 — "My tears have been my food day and night while they say to me continually 'Where is your God?'"
But David had to remind himself of the faithfulness of the Lord and of how simply he could forget the Lord's goodness. "Hope in God," he encourages his soul. "By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me."
Piece my piece the Lord began to restore my spirit. "I am the Lord, and there is no other," he promised. "I equip you, though you do not know me, that people may know, from the rising of the sun and from the west, that there is none besides me" (Is. 45:5-6).
Two years and three summers later, I am still exhaustively pouring myself out. But my story is much different.
I know I still make mistakes
But you have new mercies for me every day
Your love never fails.
I believe that. Even in the darkness of confusion and in the silence of despair, I am chosen by God. That is His ultimate goodness for me — that in the midst of my sin and rebellion, He placed His wrath on His innocent and perfect Son and offered hope and redemption for me. The consequence and pain of this world's sin will not be erased, but the offer of hope to the hopeless and life to the dead is a far more precious prize.
"You have turned my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!" (Ps. 30:11)
